Control
by sayomi-walker
Summary: Kanda was sent to get Allen back from prison in the black order. His thoughts on Allen and how he feels about the past and current Allen.


It was the day of release, release of him. After months when he was captured by his own family, when he was betrayed again by the people that he finally trusted and fought with, he was finally freed. Why was he freed? No one knows, only the Hitler look-alike male will know. Perhaps he grown tired of the human that he tortured with inhumane methods, perhaps he had no use for the toy now, just like a five year old child. No matter, he was finally released.

I knew I had to keep control, in control so that I would not break the comfort people had placed onto me, that even if they break down, they had me. The unmovable ice cube. Even if I was the one they tried to warm up, they used me as a secure anchor point so the they would not totally break down and go mad. The safe feeling they had that It was not that bad, since I could still hold on. It was necessary for such an insane place to have someone in control.

The room, no, the prison they kept him was huge, that it was enough to drive someone alone in there mad, mad from the emptiness inside. There was nothing there. Drops of water dripped down from an unknown leak on the ceiling. The wall only helped to increase the feeling of loneliness in there by echoing the dripping sound all around the room. The cage was so dark that I could barely even see his figure. The only light source in there was of the small window that only allowed people barely move around in here. Not that there is anything worth to trip over other than some misplaced uneven stones.

Perhaps it was the appearance of the male that I had came to bring back that made my hair stand as if it was attracted by an unknown magnet and my spine shiver like it was now winter. The gruesome sight was unbearable. I held back my urges to throw up whatever that was left in my stomach. Partly to save myself some face and maintain the stoic image and the rest were to give the others some courage. Even if they were not here.

His arms were chained together. His body was one that could be mistaken as a skeleton. Showing off his anatomy, I could only come to the conclusion that he refused food for fear of drugs that could be placed inside. Bruises and cuts endorsed all over his skin. Not leaving an inch of the pale skin he once had flawless. The injuries were made in ways that one could not imagine how it even was made.

His hair were no longer the smooth, silky, silver hair that I once ran my hand through, to silently beg for him to look at me, no longer the hair that I once threatened to shave, just to make him snap at me and look at me and reassure me that he was alive and kicking. It was no longer short but long, not the long hair that many girls would swoon over and wished to have, but the long hair that those that did not have the means to cut it and manage it. It was only could be described as a tangled mess, dirtied and stained by dirt and blood. No longer sliver that I often looked out for just to ensure he was not lost, but now tainted with black, brown and red, unrecognizable beyond belief.

The eyes that seemed to look at nothing, were dead, no longer the eyes that once had been filled with hope and life, once filled with sadness, anger, and happiness. Not the eyes that changed from one emotion to another. It only emphasized the emptiness he had felt during the stay here, that he had seen too much, suffered too much, far too much for a fifteen year old boy, that he had given up hope of even living. The eyes that I now see were not one that I knew previously, that I had loved and looked out for.

The chapped lips contrasted so much with the ones that had been moisturized with saliva when he salivated over food, with the ones that made a thin line when he was controlling his tears, when someone died when he was around, the ones that spouted out insults toward me. It contrasted so much that one could never believe that it once held so much life.

I gritted my teeth so hard that it was lucky that the gods made my teeth strong otherwise it would have now turned into powder. I could not muster the courage to walk towards there, for there is barely any hope to see that face give another smile that always gave many around him courage. Did no one realize that his small shoulders could not bear the weight of the fate of the world on it? Did no one realize how fragile and lonely his back looks when he was protecting mankind? Did no one notice the trembling when he shed tears in the dark? No one realize that the hero that they depended on had been breaking apart. Even if they did they ignored it, only concerned about their own fate and lives.

This fifteen year old had been ruined by the organization that I hate to the very core, for destroying the one that I loved. The organization that destroyed many families in the name of the god they believed, to protect mankind, when they were only concerned about their own selfish needs. The organization that made me met this boy.

As if he just woke up from a dream, his pupils shifted and finally fell on me. His gaze were dead, I flinched at the state he was in. Yet he did the unthinkable, his cheeks tried to smile again, it was such a tiny movement but I could see it, he tried to make a sound from his already sore and dry throat, possibly in a worser state then his lips, "Ka… Kanda…" It was all he could manage to muster out with the last of his energy. His body fell along with his eyes. This broke all the control I had tried to maintain the poise I had always.

The world seemed to move in slow motion as I ran towards him using all the strength I could muster. I might have looked stupid in others eyes but the words I wanted him to hear were more important. So important that I am willing to give up my unmovable image, that I wanted him to hear yet too hard for me to say it out.

"I love you, moyashi."

MY FIRST EVER FANFIC. ;w;

I DON'T OWN D Gray-man. Obviously.

Please do give constructive comments. I know I am not a great writer and especially at spelling. But do give some feedback so I can improve ;w;

I only do well in oneshots so I guess this is it?

REVIEWS PLEASE. ;A;


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